You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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