I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
