You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
