Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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