FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
