She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
