Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
