her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
