I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
