i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
how does that bad decision feel?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
