I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
