turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
