Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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