I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
