I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Randomize
