I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
