Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
