I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
