guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
These tits shall not be calmed
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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