Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
