I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
