i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
