I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
