Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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