so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
