...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
