Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
