So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize