I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
