i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
