Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
