My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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