got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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