Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
