i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
