Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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