I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
