He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
