Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
