What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
