im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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