I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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