Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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