watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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