So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
