I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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