It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
