Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
