Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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