Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is my gift to your gina
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
