First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize